DON’T YOU DARE EAT TOO MUCH NEXT WEEK

Warning: This blog post contains R-rated material regarding fatness and guilt vis a vis pumpkin pie and turkey dressing. While it is true that cranberries are basically harmless – you can eat boatloads with no appreciable effect – that is not the point here. The point is to make a warning.

Teammates, why do people gorge themselves? Insecurity? Neurosis? Domestic problems? Yes, of course. All of these reasons. But scientists are still trying to figure it out. You eat the turkey. You eat the dressing. You eat the casseroles. Then you go for the desserts. What is happening here? I will tell you what is happening: You’re getting fatter than Oprah, that’s what is happening. And we all know Oprah, and we like Oprah, but she still hasn’t responded to our demand that she quit her roller coaster dieting. Lose 10, gain 20, lose 20, gain 30, lose 40, gain 75. If you think I’m exaggerating think again, and look at her old re-runs. (Wait, don't do that. You will die from boredom.)

So, what is the Thanksgiving Day message? Have your jaw wired shut. Doesn’t that make you feel warm and fuzzy?

Contrast this advice with what AM’s buddy Mike Ryan said several weeks ago: Run four extra miles for every hamburger (something like that). True, you could take that approach, but why? I say just go with the surgery. Jaw Wire Shutting surgery only costs a few thousand dollars, and it makes liposuction unnecessary, usually.

And here is the good news! I have decided that after grossing y’all out TWICE in one day (Seriously, have I ever done that before? No. Not twice in one day) I have no future plans to do this sort of typing. All I wanted to do was get my two cents in before departing for my mother-in-law’s. She is a great person. We’re just different. Did you say that prayer I told you about?

Dear God, I know you’re up there. Look down on our blogger, Joe, and have pity upon him as he enters this inevitable sparring match with his mother-in-law. Lord, he’s not a bad person. Hell, he just opened a Facebook account with us. We’re friends! And the mother-in-law is a decent human being as well. Help them to work it out. Obviously, Joe is right 99 percent of the time but THAT’S NOT IMPORTANT. Just FIX THE PROBLEM, Lord.

(This is just a suggested prayer. Use your own words.)

Back to the holiday eating: Don’t try my nerves, Teammates. I’m getting to that age where I WILL come find you and see if you have added extra butter and/or sour cream to your baked potato, for example. And I WILL have monitors with cameras watching you in your dining room.

DO NOT FALL OFF THE WAGON. DO NOT LOSE YOUR STATUS AS A TEAMMATE. DROP NOW TO STAY FIRED UP, AND CHARLIE MIKE!